


Fried Squid (the cooking fic)

by Nastydenden (Satanicpinappledenden)



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Cooking, Crack Treated Seriously, Filthy, M/M, Mild Knifeplay, Olive Oil as Lube, PWP, There is knives, filthy porn, forgive me Father for I have sinned, no beta we die like tommy in every fic, there is squid (the food)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:53:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27515626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satanicpinappledenden/pseuds/Nastydenden
Summary: I was peer pressured into creating this abomination.bausically, techno makes another cooking video. gone wrong. gone sexual.The doorbell rang. Assuming somebody else was going to get it, Squid stayed in bed, exactly where he was. It rang again. Nobody else seemed to be home. Sighing, Squid dragged himself out of his comfortable position, throwing his phone onto the bedsheets by his side.Once he had managed to precure clothes and the doorbell rang for a third time, he was standing in front of the door. The man behind it was entirely unfamiliar and very tall. His posture was so terrible however, so his face was almost at Squids height. Squid had no idea who this guy was.
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade/ im a squid kid
Comments: 5
Kudos: 77





	Fried Squid (the cooking fic)

**Author's Note:**

> there is some very, very mild painplay in the middle of it somewhere. its a paragraph or two, and there's a warning when it starts! Stay safe!
> 
> god is dead. we killed him

The doorbell rang. Assuming somebody else was going to get it, Squid stayed in bed, exactly where he was. It rang again. Nobody else seemed to be home. Sighing, Squid dragged himself out of his comfortable position, throwing his phone onto the bedsheets by his side.Once he had managed to precure clothes and the doorbell rang for a third time, he was standing in front of the door. The man behind it was entirely unfamiliar and very tall. His posture was so terrible however, so his face was almost at Squids height. Squid had no idea who this guy was. 

"Uhh, hi?" He said, voice unsure and a bit too high pitched. 

"Hullo." Horrible, all consuming dread consumed Squid with recognition of the voice. 

"Huh. Almost thought I did have the wrong adress." The emotionless, deep voice made honest to god blood pulse in his ears.and not in a good way.

"E-Excuse me?" Squids voice broke. How is this happening? He asks as much. 

Techno stares at him deadpan. "You think that If I can track your college down for a stupid video game, I can't get your adress?" 

Fair enough. "Okay. But why are you here?"

"Eh. Bit of a long story. Might be willing to share it over a cup of Coffee" Said the man who must surely not be Techno. 

"Oh. Uh. Sure. Come in!"And so, they ended sitting in the living room, Squid still very sure he was dreaming this. This must be a horrifying, horrifying nightmare.   
"Soo,,, I am here to record a cooking video" Said the voice that oughta please have no physical body to him besides a minecraft skin."A what?" He gulped. 

"You havent seen the -abseloute youtube master- Technobade's legendary, neigh! Iconic cooking video?" Actually technoblady holy shit- said, voice dripping with fake offense.   
"Uhm. no?"

"Yeah well it exists, and someone dared me to make another one"  
"So you're here because of a dare?" Squid could not believe it. 

"In my defense, I thought it was pretty funny" 

"Fair enough. So, what are you going to cook?" 

"You'll see" With that, Techno stood, drained the last of his coffee and disappeared out of the door.  
"I'll be back soon!" Came from near the door, Squid still sitting on the sofa completely dumbfouned, mouth agape like a fish's. He just choose to believe that no one would be back and that all this was a very, very weird nightmare. Maybe if he fell asleep he could wake up?

He was awoken rudely by someone going about in the kitchen, making more noise than they really ought to. Bleary eyed and disoriented, he stumbled towards it. The whole Techno thing must have actually happened, judging by the fact the guy was still here (still? back?How did he get back in? did he steal???? a key?) 

"Hi there!" Said the taller man, voice monotone as usual. 

"How in gods name did you get in here?"

"Climbed through the window in the bathroom. Out. Back in later"

"What?" 

"Dont worry about it!"

Just as Techno said that, Squid noticed the camera running to the left of him. it was propped up on a tripod, which was propped upon a bunch of books, which were stacked on 3 ikea SAMLA(™) boxes. Normally, their old shoes were in those boxes, waiting for an opportunity to get rid of them.No shoes remained.

Squid began feeling a little afraid for his life.   
Techno had since focused his sole attention onto the camera, perfectly angled towards the workspace. 

"Hello my name is Technoblade and today we are cookin' up some fried Squid."  
Sqiid's legs gave out under him. He laid there for maybe a minute, powerless, shaking, wheezing, trying to get air into his lungs. 

"We're cooking- We are doing what?" He managed to press out, just after he had assumed the fetal position, still laying on the kitchen floor.  
Techno's only answer to his pain was fetching some fresh Squid out of the fridge. Once Squid (the person) had managed to calm himself, Techno answered by reading him the recipe:

"Well first, we must reach inside the body and gently release the inners. ,Then we will Carefully pull the tentacles, trying to bring all of the inners away from the body, with the ink sac intact-"

"STOP. Why do you do this to me? Who hurt you? And why does it mean you must pain me as well?" Squid didnt even know what to feel about the extremely weird euphemism, much less about who was speaking it.   
Techno since had moved from 'in front of the camera' to 'towering over him with a knife in one hand, phone with the recipe still open in his other'. The sight was terror-inducing, but at the same time weirdly... hot? Just as Squid decided to never, ever examine that thought any closer, Techno continued his dramatic reading of the text on his phone:  
"Hmm, next we must deal with the tentacles... First, a cut just above the eyes-"

// very mild knife play from here!

While speaking, he bowed down to Squid, who was sitting, but leaning back on his arms, trying to make himself smaller, or more vulnerable maybe. Techno gently brought the dull, cold tip of the knife to Squid's browbone, letting it travel alonghis forehead, right until he had finished the 'cut'. Squid shuddered, adrenaline pumping in his veins and cold sweat dripping down his back. He wanted more of that feeling, it was intoxicating.  
Admitting that though? Never! Techno, apparently oblivious to what he just causedJust continued on with his idiotic bit, reading some more of the recipe:  
"Hmm, halve any long tentacles - keep them whole if they aren't too long - all right"   
Techno looked back down onto his body, where Squid was already reaching out one arm for him to take. He flipped the knife in one hand, now using the flat part of the blade to cover more ground. 

He pulled Squid's arm taut, then began tracing it from his's shoulder up towards his wrist, which he was still holding in a loose grip. He flipped the knife again,then used the edge of it that wasn't sharpened to finish his work, tracing Squid's hand with it finger by finger. Squid could feel himself get aroused with an uncomfortable intensity unknown to him prior to this. That was also the point Squid realized that this was not a joke.The camera was still pointed towards the kitchen, away from them, and Techno was dead silent, not joking at all.

"You actually enjoy this." Came a comment from Techno, clearly too obervant for his own good. Or maybe Squid was too obvious.

"I could put this knife to your neck right now and you'd like it." Techno's voice had taken a dark, mellow tone as he contemplated. He was smiling. Squid tried his best to keep the actual high pitched whine in his throat, but to no avail. He flushed red, embarrassed and a little guilty.

// Knife play is now over

Techno stared at him for a fraction of a second, then kissed him as if there was nothing else he'd rather do. He was taken aback for a moment, then kissed right back, closing his eyes and tangling his hands into the others hair, one still tingly. Once they had managed to get away from one another, Techno grinned at him, all sharp teeth and glinting eyes.

"Soo, may I reach inside your body and gently release the inners?" Techno giggled a manic little giggle while Squid punched him into the shoulder. It was a weak punch.

"You can rearrange my guts any way you like as long as you stop with the weird Squid comparisons!" He said, mocking anger. Techno actually laughed this time, a laugh that was cut off by Squid kissing him. Things went sideways quick from there.

Techno, clearly tired of bowing down to get to him, fell to his knees. At least he had remembered to put the knife away first. It landed on the kitchen counter, clattering away as safely as a knife can. His hands now free, Techno tucked at the hem of Squids shirt,which caused them to break the kiss once again. Squid was quick to follow the silent demand, tugging his shirt off as fast as he could in the crampted space between Techno (very big) and the kitchen counter (very unyielding). He threw it in about the same direction as the knife. Techno followed suit with his shirt. 

Still, he made a crucial mistake. By throwing the shirt behind himself, he threw it directly onto the precarious camera situation, immideately causing it to topple upon them. Techno, hit in the head by the camera itself:   
"Fuck!"The rest of the tower came onto them too fast to catch much of anything. They just let themselves be rained on by books and ikea products until it was quiet again in the kitchen.

"So,, change of Locations?" Asked the blade, only sounding a little shaken up."What are you envisioning?" Was the answeing question from Squid.  
"I want to bend you over that counter and fuck you until you cant tell where up and down is supposed to be" Came the brutally blunt answer. It drove Squid nuts.  
Still, feigning calm, he says "Sure!" They removed themselves from the pile of clutter with haste. Techno had apparently found a bossy vein within himself, pulled Squid towards where he wanted him and said  
"Pants down. And bend over." 

Squid's dick twitched pathetically at the commanding tone. He complied, thoughwith a sour face for good measure. Techno pretended not to see it. He felt a little defenseless, naked. Once his pants were off, he attempted to lean over the kitchen counter. This was not a very fruitful attempt, as he was quite small and the counter was set rather high.  
He stood as close to it as he could, even went on the very tips of his toes but it wasnt quite enough to reach. He used his hands to pull himself up all the way, feet completely off the ground. 

Scratch feeling vulnerable because of the nudity, this was much stronger. He couldn't see Techno, his back turned towards the other. He could not move easily, there was little way to escape. He had put himself into this position willingly, and it felt intoxicating. He could feel a blush travelling up his back as the blood circulation in his legs worsened.  
Techno, until now a silent observer, finally sprung into action.

"Look at you, all defenseless just for me."   
As he spoke, he stroked his hands from Squid's neck further and further down, where he spread Squid's asscheeks apart. It made Squid whimper and shudder forcibly. 

"Enough squirming around, or I'll have to tie you down." Techno seemed enamoured with the idea, and the scenes in Squid's head only made him whine more. "You'd like that, huh? Nice and spread out for me, nowhere to go unless I say so." His hands were still holding up his head,but Techno had other plans. He pushed Squid's head onto the cold marble surface, gentle but firm, until one cheek was pressed flat onto it.

"Was that a yes? Answer me!" Techno growled into his ear, the one that wasnt pressed into the stone. 

"Yes, fuck, sure! Anything."

"Thats what I thought" Motherfucker sounded deeply satisfied, and Squid would be pissed if he wasn't so horny. Techno travelled down Squid's back once more, this time biting into his skin and kissing seemingly random spots on his way down. (He was kissing each of his birthmarks, but Squid couldn't see that)

"What, you gonna eat me?" He asks, after a particularly ferocious bite to his lower back.  
"That was the plan." Came the answer, delivered with just enough monotone saracasm to sting.Techno then bit him in the left asscheek. It really hurt, and it was gonna leave a mark, but it didnt break skin or draw blood. Squid maybe did like the fact he'd be reminded of this for longer when sitting down, though he could never show that. 

"OUCH! Stop that you asshole! Get on with it already!"   
He couldn't really move to show his dissent, but the message came though clear anyways.

"Alright. Though I'd love to actually eat you out, we'll need better preperation for that. Theres always a next time. You got any lube?"

Squid's brain had short-circutedat 'next time', so all he could stutter out was "No, I didnt think-"

"Thats fine, I got an idea." Came Techno's answer, a little too swiftly. He was planning something. The other left Squid's side for a moment, rummaging through the cupboards to his left. He was wise not to peek towards it. He sort if didnt want to know. With a triumphant little 'aha', Techno walked back to his original position. 

"Important question. Are you clean? And okay with no condom, this stuff doesn't wirk with condoms"

He had a vague idea what it was now, so he said "Yes?"

"Good. You can guess what it is."  
His tone left little room for argument, so Squid just nodded as best he could. Within seconds, he could feel something slick at his entrance, making the sensitive flesh shiver. The smell was unmistakeable. 

"Is that olive oil?!?" he asked.

"Thats right, baby." Tchno was clearly amused by all this.  
"Is that safe to do?" Was his next question.

"You think I'd use something that isn't? Why do you think the stuff was all the rage back in ancient greece?" Fair enough. Squid giggled, this was sort of funny, all thingsconsidered. Techno's vast knowledge of ancient times had saved them once again. 

"Can I go on?" It sounded unsure, as if Techno asked more for himself than for Squid.   
"Yes, you can." Squid made sure to answer steadily, as to make certain Techno knew he liked what was going on.Techno wasted no more time after that and gently pushed a finger in. 

The olive oil had a weird feel to it, very diffrent than water based lube. Squid found he didn't abesloutly hate it, and that he could live with it for now if it got him off. Techno Pulled the singledigit back out, reapplying oil liberally and sliding back in. For a while, it was only their quiet breaths and the silence of the kitchen.

Then, Techno added another finger to the first, still using way too much of the oil. It dripped out of Squid's entrance and down his thigh,the feeling slick and satisfying as much as vaguely disgusting. The oil ran down his legs, it made it down to the back of one knee until Techno caught it there with his other hand. He used it to begin jerking Squid off, to offset the uncomfortable stretch a third finger brought.

Squid was less quiet now, little hisses and sighs and moans escaping him whenever Techno moved just right. The 3 fingers felt like being overstuffed already, and he couldn't wait for more. Thats when Techno added a fourth, always one to overdo it. It made Squid yelp, then moan,then whine once again. Techno giggled, a noise which Sqцid couldn't say he ever heard before.

After that, he began moving his four fingers back and fourth in a steady rythm. Combined with the ruthless pace of Techno's other hand, it wasn't long until Squid's eyes began rolling backin his head and his moans became louder and less and less restrained. "Fucking- Please!" He pressed out, Lungs working hard pressed down as he still was. "Please what?" Tеchno thought this was funny.

"Cock. In me. Now."

"Someone's bossy"

"Now" Squid's voice was a low growl, really not the sort of noise you'd think someone such as him could make. "Okay. All right!" Techno pulled out his fingers, immediately ceased all touch and stimulation, it made Squid claw the white marble underneath his hands in frustration. 

He heard the rustling of fabricfalling to the ground, and the sound of more oil being spread. he had no idea what to expect, still panting and unable to turn to look. It thrilled him to no end, riled him up even more.It felt like an actual eternity until Techno finally deemed himself ready. His presence radiated heat like an oven behind Squid, yet he wouldn't touch him. Just before he would have actually gotten up and left, he felt hands spreading him apart, something pushing at his hole.It made him huff in faked annoyance. 

"Jeez. I stretched you so much and yet you're still so tight" Murmured Techno, almost to himself as he finally, finally began pushing in. And holy shit, he was huge. Squid felt like he was bursting at the seams, stuffed completely full,and he was sure Techno wasn't even in all the way yet. Once he was finally, finally in, he waited for a moment before beginning to gind into Squid, making him arch his back. 

"Holy shit" he moaned, just before being pressed back down onto the counter by one of Technos sure hands.  
"That good?" Techno asked, while effectively pinning Squid in place with one hand.

"Yeah-Fuck- It is." He murmured into the stone below him. 

"Didnt year you? Gonna make you scream. Gonna make you fucking drool!" Techno was growling again, and it made Sqцid wanna challenge him.(As if that's ever gone well.)

"Doubt that." He said, smiling secretly for himself. All the answer he got was the other beginning to move, and a confident

"Bet."

If Squid wasnt still pinned in place, he would've been pushed back and forth by the force of it. He quickly began gasping for air as Techno used his free hand to pull his head back by his hair, foricibly arching his back and putting one of Squids ears right next to his mouth, biting it.

"You like that? Thought so. Could keep you here just like that, all helpless and ready for the taking" His voice was almost unbearably loud so close to Squid's ear, as Techno's cock hammed at his prostate due to the change in position, and for a moment, Squid could think of nothing but the thundering voice and the burning pleasure. 

His mouth dropped open, and he managed to get hisarms under his body to keep himself up, arched in the right position. They were shaking. Techno let go of his hair, not changing his pace in the slightest.

He let his fingers travel to Squid's mouth, touching his lips for a moment before Sqцid took them into his mouth. It was automatic, he really didn't actively mean to. Either way, he liked having something to do. He began sucking on 3 of Techno's fingers, who slowed his ruthless pace to play with Squid's mouth. He spread his fingers, making it impossible to suck them. A side effect of thiswas drool beginning to drip from Squid's spread lips.

He wanted to complain that that was cheating, but the digits still in his mouth made that hard. The spit collected in a little puddle below Sqцid's head, and he could Hear Techno's self satisfied smirk in his voice:  
"Told you." Squid rolled his eyes at it, but didnt try to say anything any longer. Meanwhile, Techno picked up his pace again, pounding into him with abandon. He took his hand away from Squid's face, saliva dripping off of it lazily. He began tracing his bitemarks from earlier with a wet finger, making Squid mewl in the process.

"Jesus christ, touch me." He complained, to which Techno answered 

"Nah. Not with that tone." 

"Oh c'mon. Please?" 

"All right. Just because its you." 

Techno began jerking Squid off again, this time as fast paced as his thrusts, makingthe pleasure inescaplable for Squid. His arms began giving in, he landed back where he started, pressed against the counter. Except this time, it wasnt only cold but also wet from the spit, making squelching noises louder even than the olive oil. Not that Squid cared about it much. He came so hard and long, it was sort of scary. He couldnt even feel Techno coming into him, he was too lost in his own pleasure. 

He came to with Techno laying on top of him, sweaty skin sticking to sweaty skin. He could feel the other smile into his shoulder, his breathghosting along his collarbones, making him shiver. 

"That was poggers" Came from Techno, and couldn't Squid have 5 minutes of peaceful drifting? 

"I hate you." Was the only thing he had the power to say. 

"You don't. Let's go get you cleaned up?"   
Techno moved away from him, butas Sqцid tried to stand up, his legs almost gave in from disuse and bad circulation. Techno was by his side immideately, helping him find sure ground.  
"Let me help you, you old man"  
"HEY! You prick."  
But really, he was grateful for the support and warmth.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me father, for i have indeed sinned.
> 
> Hate, if there is any, will just be deleted :)  
> constructive criticism is very welcomed!


End file.
